Regular readers of here or Mummy from the Heart will know that I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. Sadly, from about age 12 I’ve felt and been told that I was too big, I recall the first visit to the doctors at that age where he told me to write down everything I’ve eaten and then the next week to half it.
By age 14 or 15 I’d started Weight Watchers with my Mum and despite the 1/2 stone, 1 stone or even 2.5 stone loses over the years I’ve remained big. No scrap that, I’ve got bigger and bigger. There’s all sorts of psychological reasons why I’m this size and the issues in my head have kept me locked in this enormous and progressively failing body.
But no longer. Over the last five years I’ve been working on me, the inside me. The me that has wrong beliefs about herself. The me that felt rejected and unworthy. The me that puts others first, always. I’ve reached a place where I know how valuable I am. I have value without changing. God made me who I am, and nothing can change His love for me.
I now understand that to be a good wife, mum, friend…. I need to be happy and accepting of who I am. Change is necessary right now. Every day I feel pain from my feet or legs and it’s getting progressively worse. I’m a 45-year-old woman, it shouldn’t be like this. I truly think I’ve hit my rock bottom, the place where I see the 19st 7lb on the scales and I know that changes must be made.
My internal organs, my limbs, my heart even, can’t take this sort of weight. I feel that slowly my body is shutting down. It’s crying out for me to stop abusing it, it can’t take this sort of beating. Life isn’t just about indulgence, about the highs of eating sugary and fatty food. I need a new normal. I’ve known it for years – moderation is key, and now is the time to embrace that and make it happen.
So last week I started Slimming World, and on the one hand I was dismayed to see it was the fourth time I’ve started a group since moving to East Sussex give years ago, and as I looked at my book pages, I saw I hadn’t done any more than 6 or 7 weeks each time, and it had been so halfhearted.
Not this time. Thank the Lord, it feels different. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but it actually feels like a matter of life and death this time. With a BMI of 46 I’m a prime candidate for all the ‘fat’ diseases like diabetes, heart attack, cancer and stroke. That’s scary and something I’ve never allowed myself to acknowledge before.
I’ve had my first weigh in at slimming world and was so chuffed to have a weight loss of 5.5lbs. I totally wasn’t sure what to expect as I’d got mixed up with my syns and had five too many for four of the days. I’d been out for pizza too and a lovely friend turned up with a gift of cakes yesterday, so it hadn’t been a perfect week but then, as we all know life isn’t perfect.
I know I’ve made so many good choices and swaps this week. When the family had steak pie, I had a chicken breast and when they had a dessert I had sparkling water and fruit once I’d left the restaurant. Planning of course is key and I’m even enjoying doing that. Long may it last!
To keep me focused and to allow me the mental space to process each week of my journey I’m going to be writing a post on here. It feels like it’s time to resurrect this blog as it’s laid stagnant for too long. I was umming and ahhing if I should be publishing my weekly post here or on my main blog but I’ve decided with a name like Progress, not Perfection this has to be the right place.
Also this post is predominantly for me and I don’t want to feel any pressure for it to do well on MFTH – promotion, views and comments will not be what helps me in my weight loss journey.
This weeks learning –
- I can enjoy a piece of fruit and it stops me eating all sorts of other rubbish
- I prefer to syn butter than be unhappy with diet spread
- I can cook the same meal for us all but make swaps or add extra speed veg for me
- It’s OK to save my syns for the evening and have a (Slimming World friendly) feast
- Writing down what I’ve eaten works for me